ESL Files For Sharing: July 2014

Saturday, July 26, 2014

2014-0726 Failure As An Option

Hi all –

We’ve discussed success for awhile now. But what about the other side of the coin? By that I mean failure. Is there any value in failure?

Probably you have heard the expression “Failure is not an option!” This is said by coaches to their teams or military commanders to their troops. The idea is that the possibility of not winning the upcoming contest is not even to be acknowledged. There is only winning.

Can you imagine saying that to your baby who is learning to walk? They are continually failing. They stand up on wobbly legs, find where mommy is, and start to move in her direction. Then Plunk!, down they go. Do they give up? No. They try again. Plunk! Down they go. Then up again, a few steps this time before the Plunk! Eventually they reach their goal and are very happy. I’ve never heard of a toddler who was depressed when he reached his goal because he was unhappy with the number of times he fell.

What is happening, though? Through continual failure, the child is improving. The failures are, in fact, teaching moments. And the failures become less frequent.

Yet, somehow, by the time we are adults, we have often forgotten that failures are teaching moments. Rather, we see them as reflections of our own imperfections and the basis of our shame.

Some of us become afraid to try new things because there is a high risk of failure and failure is not a comfortable option. To fail just means reinforcing that critical part of ourselves that too often reminds us of our poor performance.

If we can remember our earliest lessons of failure and how they led us to learn new skills, then perhaps we can embrace failure as a teaching tool and use it in our lives now to expand our horizons.

Wishing you success (even through failure!) always!

Kevin

Reminder: If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted on this blog in August 2013. An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com

Friday, July 18, 2014

2014-0718 Success – Setting Goals

Hi all –

So far, we’ve talked about success and what that might mean to you and did a self-examination to see what characteristics either further or hinder reaching our goals.

But what are our goals? And when do we expect to achieve them? If and when we do, what then? Will we have achieved happiness?

In thinking about setting goals, usually we begin with a particular long-range goal, something that may take years to achieve. And it can leave us with a feeling of despair because right now, we are so far away from reaching that goal. It seems impossible to reach.

And so we mope around the house for awhile and then call our good friend (who is always a good shoulder to cry on) and tell our sob story to her. She might say something like “Have you noticed that when you have to walk a mile to get to the store, you have to take a bunch of little steps? But finally you reach your goal?”

And so we say “Aha!” ( this is known as an “Aha! moment” when you finally understand something) and proceed to think about a series of small steps that we can implement to help reach our final goal.

Example: You want to be a concert violinist but at the moment, you’ve never played an instrument nor can you read music. So should you give up? Maybe. But perhaps you might take a few steps to see if you have the potential to realize your dream.

1. You sign up for a beginning music class to learn about music appreciation

2. You take a class which explains musical notation

3. You rent a violin and hire a tutor.

4. If you are really enjoying yourself and discover that you are gaining talent, then you buy a student violin.

5. You continue taking violin lessons and maybe join an orchestra.

6. You improve and move up to the 1^st violin section. By this time you’ve bought a very good violin.

7. You advance to become the concertmaster, playing any violin solos that arise.

8. And, by the way, you have reached your long-range goal!

All this is well and good but having a list of short-range goals will accomplish nothing unless you are willing to make changes to your life.

Here is where OBSTACLES and EXCUSES make their appearance.

We have ILLUSIONS about our goals. Examples:

“All concert violinists were child prodigies.”

“You have to be proficient on the piano first.”

“Violinists must have long fingers to be successful.”

Accept what is real about you.

“When I was a child, I played a lot with the other kids. I wasn’t a prodigy.”

“I’ve been in the same room as a piano but haven’t played one. Ever.”

“I have average fingers.”

We have FEARS about our goals. Example:

“I just know I’ll be too nervous to play in public.”

“I’m too old to start now.”

“I’m too set in my ways to change.”

“I’m not sure I can fit in with other people.”

Those fears are not happening RIGHT NOW. Replace those thoughts with more positive ones.
“I’m sure that I’ll become accustomed to playing in public until it no longer concerns me.”

“Age is just a number. In my mind, I am youthful and capable.”

“I want to change because I want to reach my goal.”

“Other people probably feel just like I do. We can support each other.”

One of the best things you can do to help reach your goal of success is to enlist the support of other trusted people. These are people who will help you to feel positive about what you are trying to accomplish. They will take delight in sharing your vision. Avoid naysayers who continually raise objections to your plans or pass judgment on your decisions.

Although we may feel that working through our obstacles and excuses on our own is somehow admirable, NOT being able to ask for support is a sign of weakness.

Support is not dependence.

Support is interdependence; we give and get support.

Support includes sharing ourselves with others when they need support.

Support helps you know yourself so you can effect positive change.

Support helps you become competent

Support fights loneliness and isolation.

Support is empowering.

Support builds empathy and respect.

Support enables us to move in the direction we want to go.

Support creates an environment for learning and action.

Create your goals, list your obstacles and excuses, enlist the aid of a support person, then make a plan for moving forward!

Wishing you success always!

Kevin

Thursday, July 10, 2014

2014-0710 Success – Looking At Yourself

Hi all –

Last week I introduced the topic of success and what that might mean to you. Certainly success can be an objective thing (how others see you, societal definitions of success) or a subjective thing ( i.e. for me, success equates to personal happiness).

Once you have in mind what success means to you and, if you are wishing to get from point A (where you currently are) to point B (where success lies), then there are some steps to take.

You would do well to do an honest evaluation of your personal characteristics. Your traits. You can list these in roughly two categories – those characteristics which will help you on your path and those characteristics which will hinder you.

You don’t need to share these with anybody so there’s no need to fear judgment or ridicule. But do be honest with yourself.

Here’s an example. Let’s say that your idea of success is to rise in the company you work for. You want to become an upper level manager. This position brings prestige, power, money and respect. Currently, you have been working at the company for 2 years and are still quite low on the totem pole.

Think for awhile about the characteristics of people who already are in upper level management positions. These characteristics have helped them to attain this lofty position.

Now think about your own life. Begin to write down your characteristics based on events in your past and decisions that you’ve made.

For instance:

Characteristics that help me: I like people, I listen, I’m organized, I like to lead, I’m intelligent, I have a good business background, I’m single which means I can devote myself to the company, . . .

Characteristics that hinder me: I get nervous when I speak publicly, I don’t always take criticism well, I tend to discriminate against women, I dislike confrontation, I don’t have a good grasp of modern social networking methods or technology, I’m single which means that I don’t have a track record of managing a family, . . .

Did you notice that in the example, being single can either be helpful or a hindrance depending on how you look at it.

So if you are wanting to take action to achieve success, then I suggest you try this exercise in a relaxed environment. It may take several days to come up with your list.

Wishing you success always!

Kevin

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

2014-0703 Success Over the Years

Hi all –

Do you remember being a kid and (if you do), do you also happen to remember how you would have defined “success?”

Is it the same definition that you had in college? How about when you got your first job?

Or when you married? And how about now, at this point in your life? How do you define success now?

Is it the same definition as when you were a kid?

I’m guessing not.

When I was a kid (dinosaurs were still roaming the earth then), successful people lived in the best part of town. They had big houses and drove big new cars. They were bank managers or company presidents or doctors or lawyers. Maybe they came from old money, born with a silver spoon in their mouths.

Sometimes they hired maids to clean their houses and gardeners to maintain their yards. Their kids went to private schools and had tutors. Their families sometimes took vacations in Europe and went on cruises.

They had fashionable parties attended by others of their class and social standing.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Of course the thing you had to have to be able to live like this was a lot of money. So basically, success = money. The more money you had, the more successful you were.

When I was attending college, many students were intent on careers giving them the best chance of getting on the gravy train, i.e. earning good money and partaking of the successful lifestyle. There was even a TV show called “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” which ran from 1984 to 1995. Americans wanted to emulate these people.

On the way up the corporate ladder, however, some people are confronted by uncomfortable choices. Success in business often necessitates long work hours and dedication to the company. This may involve uprooting the family to move where the work is. To continue in this vein means ceding involvement with the family and losing closeness to one’s children and spouse. It means stress for everybody.

This is one of the points in life where it is valuable to reevaluate the definition of success. Is it better to make sacrifices to rise to the top of the company so you can buy anything your family wants or is it better to scale back the lifestyle, settle for less money and be more available to the family? Making that latter choice is most likely a career killer.

And, by the way, if you are working long hours, are you still in touch with your family enough to know what it is that they truly want? Is it something that you can buy someday?

Think ahead to the end stage of your life. How might you think of success at that time?

Take care,

Kevin