2013-1220 Christmas

Hi All –

I don’t know how it is for YOUR family at this time of the year but for US, the days seem to pass faster than malicious gossip at a garden party.  Wasn’t it just a week or so ago that we stood on our doorsteps, passing out candy to charming little children dressed in their colorful and creative Halloween costumes?  And wasn’t there a day  between that time and now, which was filled with joyful cooking and hectic dinner preparations, culminating with a roasted turkey perched on a platter in the center of the dining room table and surrounded by more side dishes than a supercomputer can count?  Surrounding those, as I recall, was a legion of ravenous people (many known to Kathleen and myself) descending on the table in a manner reminiscent of the locusts in the 8^th plague of Egypt.  Fortunately the plates, silverware and the table itself were deemed to be inedible by the assembled host, otherwise we would be reduced to living on finger foods eaten directly off the carpet.

Now what adds to OUR busyness at this time of year is the addition of 1 anniversary and 1 birthday.  Yes, it’s true.  My wife and I married in December (some years ago) and my wife was born in December (also some years ago).   With so many festive occasions taking place, this time of year just flies by.  Of course it could be the fact that the days are so short which makes it seem that time is passing by so quickly.  My typical day: I wake up, eat breakfast, maybe run an errand, have lunch, have a nap, observe that it is dinner time, watch a little TV or read a paragraph or two and then it’s “Oh my, (yawn) just look at the time.  Think I’ll turn in.” 

But all that is besides the point of this blog entry.  I’m supposed to be writing about Christmas.  I won’t talk about the origin of Christmas or how Christmas is celebrated here in the U.S. or even how it is celebrated in the Orkney Islands.  Mainly I want to focus on my perceptions of this holiday.  So let me get on my soapbox once again and reiterate the following message.

Many people have come to equate Christmas to some kind of  big party where everybody gives each other gifts to prove that they love and really care for each other.  Retailers will try to guilt you into thinking that inexpensive gifts don’t show your love as much as expensive gifts.  Call me crazy but to my way of thinking, you show your love for your friends and family all year long by your interactions with them.  I think you know what I mean.  If your friend is suffering through some type of crisis, you drop them a note of support or ring them up.  If your spouse has had a rough day, maybe you cook dinner and clean up, even if it isn’t your turn.  Christmas, then, becomes a time of family togetherness and celebration, a time to count your blessings and rejoice in your relationships that are beyond price.  And yes, Virginia, gifts are a part of the fun of giving and receiving. 

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

Kevin

Reminder:  If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted in August.  An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com

2013-1213Letter-Active Listening

Hi All –

In Friday’s class, the topic of communication arose which I believe is of universal concern.  We all wish we had better lines of communication with our friends and family.   Sometimes, we might make an off-the-cuff remark and it gets taken the wrong way.  It might set the other person off and we’re left wondering what happened, as if having a conversation were some kind of dangerous high-wire act.

When we think of a conversation, it seems quite a simple thing.  If two people are involved, one talks while the other listens.  Then the roles are reversed.  This process continues until the conversation ends. What could be easier? 

But often after we’ve been in a conversation, we’re left thinking that the other person really didn’t hear us or that we really didn’t get a chance to say what was on our minds.

An example might be a wife speaking to her husband: 

WIFE:   “Joe, would you PLEASE mow the lawn?!  Our neighbors are beginning to talk.”

HUSBAND:   (Changing TV channels) “Huh?  Oh yeah.  Pretty soon.”

Another example would be your teenaged daughter coming home from school:

DAUGHTER:   (slams front door and starts yelling)  “M-o-o-o-ommm!!!”

MOTHER:    (in next room) “You don’t have to yell!  I’m right here!”

(The mother’s cell phone beeps as a text comes in)

DAUGHTER:   “Celia said I was ugly in front of her friends.  I hate her and her stupid friends!! “

MOTHER:   (Distractedly checking her cell phone) “Uh huh.  Well, you have other friends.”

(Daughter stomps off to her bedroom and slams that door as well. )

To gin up your communication skills, it is important to learn how to listen actively.  Active listening is a way of responding to another person in a way that promotes mutual understanding.  Active listening techniques include four types of statements:

ENCOURAGING – This conveys interest and keeps the other person talking.  Don’t agree or disagree. Use noncommittal words with a positive tone of voice.  Examples are “I see . . .”, “That’s interesting. . .”

RESTATING – This shows that you are listening and understanding.  To do this, just restate the other’s basic ideas, emphasizing the facts.  Example: “If I understand you correctly, your idea is . . .”,  “In other words, this is your decision . . .”

REFLECTING – This shows the other that you understand their feelings.  To do this, restate the other’s basic feelings.  Example:  “You feel that . . .”, “You were pretty disturbed by this . . .”

SUMMARIZING – This pulls together important ideas and facts.  It also establishes a basis for further discussion.  To do this, restate, reflect and summarize major ideas and feelings.  Example:  “These seem to be the key ideas you have expressed . . .”  “If I understand you, you feel this way about the situation. . .”

Now let’s look at two conversations:

The first family, the Browns, are struggling with their communication.  Their fifteen-year-old son, Brendan, plays sports, achieves a “B” grade average, has a group of friends with whom he associates, and is generally well liked by his teachers.

Scene: Dinner time at the table.

Brendan:   “School is for the birds.  All you learn is a lot of unimportant facts that don’t do you any good.  I’ve decided not to go to college.  You don’t need a college education to be someone important.  There are a lot of other ways to get ahead in the world.”

Father:   “People who give up when things get difficult usually don’t succeed in life.”

Brendan:   “How much do you need to know about the War of 1812 to be an architect?”

Mother:   “You should listen to your father.  He didn’t get where he is today by shirking responsibility.”

Brendan:   “You don’t understand and you never will.”

Father:   “I don’t ever want to hear you talk to your mother like that again.  Get your act together and maybe you’d be a better student.  Your problem is that you never apply yourself.  That’s why you don't get better grades.  You just expect to get something without effort.  That’s what your mother and I get for giving so much to you your whole life.”

The family finishes dinner in silence.

LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN:

The second family, the Smiths, are a good example of a family with open and warm communication.  Their fifteen-year-old son, Brian, plays sports, achieves a “B” grade average, has a group of friends with whom he associates, and is generally well liked by his teachers.

Scene: Dinner time at the table.

Brian:   “School is for the birds.  All you learn is a lot of unimportant facts that don’t do you any good.  I’ve decided not to go to college.  You don’t need a college education to be someone important.  There are a lot of other ways to get ahead in the world.”

Father:   “You sound really frustrated with school.”

Brian:   “Yeah.  I don’t see how learning about the War of 1812 will help me be an architect.”

Mother:   “You know, I remember feeling the same way about Biology.  I hated dissecting frogs and I didn’t like the teacher.”

Brian:   “Well, you know my teacher is so boring, he just talks the whole period and expects us to remember every word.”

Mother:   “Sounds like you’re irritated with him.”

Brian:   “Sure, he gave me a “C” on a pop quiz and he never told anyone he would ask questions about his lecture.”

Father:   “You don’t feel you deserve that grade.”

Brian:   “Well, I missed half the questions and that’s a “C”, but I’m just mad that he didn’t tell us about questions coming from the lecture.  It isn’t fair.”

Mother:   “Well, it sounds to me like you have a problem with your teacher.  You don’t feel he gave you good enough instructions on what to study for the quiz.”

Brian:   “That’s about right.”

Father:   “Do you feel like you need to get this straight with him?”

Brian:   “What’s the use?  Now I know what he wants.  I can get a good grade now that I know what he expects.  I just don’t like him very much.”

The family goes on to talk about their weekend plans.

Have a great week everyone! 

Kevin

Reminder:  If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted in August.  An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com

2013-1204 Letter - Some Thoughts about Tea

Some Thoughts About Tea

Tea was discovered in China over 5,000 years ago when Shen Nung, an early emperor, required that all drinking water be boiled as a hygienic precaution.  During a journey, some dried leaves from a nearby bush fell into the boiling water and a brown liquid was infused into the water.  The Emperor was interested in the new liquid, drank some and found it very refreshing.   Today, there are many kinds of tea grown and harvested around the world.  You can grow some teas at home.

Here is a picture of a tea plant ready for harvest.  This is an Oolong plant of the Tung Ting variety. 

Some tea grows only in extreme environments such as this High Mountain Tea being harvested by an ardent tea lover.

To maximize the enjoyment of your tea, you should follow the steps outlined here. 

First, ensure you have an adequate supply of tea.  It would not do to run out when guests arrive.

As an added precaution, always rub your teapot to ensure that yours is not a magic teapot that houses a genie.  They may not like boiling water!

Be sure to boil plenty of water.  Remember, you must use the first pot of water to rinse the tea leaves.

Tea can be made at different strengths according to desire.  To make strong tea, add more of the dried tea leaves.  Be prepared to stay awake all night!

To make a weaker tea, add less of the dried tea leaves.  You may find the use of tweezers helpful for this process. 

Now add your boiling water to the teapot, let it sit for a short time, then pour out the liquid into a cup.  This is not only to rinse the dried tea leaves but to provide an initial cup of tea so that you may savor it's fragrance while the tea undergoes it's final brewing.   While pouring the tea, take time to notice the coloration of the liquid and appreciate the wonders of this fine beverage.

Now add more water to the teapot for the final brew and take some time to appreciate the fine aroma of the first pouring of the tea.  The tea will be ready to drink very soon. 

Now pour the brewed tea into your cup.  Even though for many black teas, it is often desirable to add flavorings, please remember that for green tea, you do NOT add sugar or cream!

Now sit back, relax, and enjoy your tea. Allow it to gently transport you to rapture on the wings of imagination as you slowly sip.

Doesn't that taste good?

2013-1129 Letter - Thanksgiving

Dear All –

Happy Thanksgiving!

As discussed in the Friday group, the first Thanksgiving took place in 1621 when the Pilgrims celebrated and gave thanks for an excellent crop which was a silver lining in the hardships and privations they had experienced in this new land.   Now, as they were enjoying their new religious freedom which they had traveled so far to obtain, they felt that God had richly blessed them and so wanted to express their gratitude. 

Continuing this spirit of gratitude, Thanksgiving is now celebrated annually on the fourth Thursday of November.  Family and friends gather together to share in a feast and to remember and give thanks for the many blessings that they have experienced and continue to enjoy. 

There is an iconic painting which captures the essence of Thanksgiving.  It is called Freedom From Want and was one of a series of four oil paintings produced in 1943 by the American artist Norman Rockwell.   

When we look at this picture, we see a happy extended family all gathered together around the dinner table in expectation of a wonderful feast.  The proud grandparents  stand at the head of the table.  Grandfather, as head of the family and dressed in his Sunday best, stands ready to carve the turkey which traditionally is his ritual function.  Grandmother, as chef de cuisine, has worked lovingly for hours creating the wonderful dishes to be served and she now proudly brings out the golden-brown turkey, done to perfection, from her busy kitchen.  Later, to conclude the meal, she’ll plate and serve her award-winning apple pie which will knock their socks off.

Seated at the table are the couple’s children, grandchildren, siblings and friends; all engaged in lighthearted conversation and enjoying the festive atmosphere.  Note that on this occasion, the best china is used as well as the best silverware and polished silver serving pieces.  These items are normally stored and only brought out for special celebrations.

As a side note, notice that the great happiness shown in this ideal situation is not marred by the intrusion of a noisy television set or those ubiquitous, disruptive cell phones.  The focus is on the family.

Wishing you all the blessings of the season,

Kevin

Reminder:  If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted in August.  An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com

2013-1122 Letter - Appropriate Idioms

Hi All –

How many of you have wondered to yourselves, “I sure wish I knew when it was appropriate to use idioms,” but were at a loss to find an answer?  Native English speakers sprinkle them liberally into their conversations with friends and co-workers.  People who they know and with whom they have an existing relationship.  If you are meeting someone for the first time or know them only slightly, then put a lid on the idioms. 

Example:  You are meeting Mrs. Jones, your boss’ wife for the first time at a dinner party which she is hosting. 

Correct:  “Hello Mrs. Jones.  It is a pleasure to meet you.  Thank you so much for inviting us to your lovely home.  That is an exquisite painting and it goes so perfectly in this room.  What can you tell me about it?”

Incorrect:  “Howdy!  So you’re the boss’ ball and chain.  How long have you two been hitched?  Say, you’ve got some nice digs here! And that painting is the bee’s knees! So, what’s the scoop on it anyway? “

So . . . when is it appropriate to use idioms in your writing?  Well, as a rule of thumb you can certainly use idioms when you are writing in an informal manner, such as a personal letter to a friend, a fictional conversation in a short story or novel or even a blog entry.  In more formal circumstances, however, idioms should be avoided.  Examples of formal writing are obituaries, cover letters written to a prospective employer, doctoral theses, letters to politicians, scholastic essays and the like.

Here is a link which explains the subject far better than I have:

See https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/owlprint/608/

Have a great week!

Kevin

Reminder:  If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted in August.  An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com

2013-1115 Letter - St. Francis Retreat Center

Hi All –

My wife and I were able to spend a few days this past week at the St. Francis Retreat Center in San Juan Bautista.  Kathleen organizes quilting retreats every year at this center and it is an event that everybody looks forward to.  So each year, we lug our sewing machines and associated go-withs, current sewing projects, old unfinished projects (called UFOs –unfinished objects), and luggage to the center and hole up for a few days.  We have fun working together in a spacious, well-lit room which is adjacent to the dining facility.  The sleeping rooms are close by as well.  Behind the Center are hills with walking trails – perfect for a bit of exercise and contemplation. 

Here are some pictures of our work area: 

Portable design walls are used to arrange the works in progress – here we see different fabrics being auditioned for the flower centers.  

This is one of the projects I made.  A tote bag for a friend. 

Close by the building is a large pond area where you can sit and watch the wildlife. 

I took this picture (one of many) along the trail when I was hiking.  The path beckons.  What is around the next bend?  

I liked this tree as well.  This would make a great climbing tree for children or adults who refuse to grow up.  

At the end of each day, a wonderful chef-prepared meal was served.  All of our meals were excellent!  We did not have to cook or clean up either!  At this meal, we are enjoying crab cakes, rice pilaf, butternut squash soup, focaccia bread and a fresh salad.   Dessert was cheesecake!  

Cheers!

Kevin

2013-1108 Letter - Potluck

Dear All –

Hopefully you were one of the lucky people able to partake of Friday’s potluck at the Community Center. It was a wonderful time of socializing and sharing. So many people provided special and delicious dishes for all to try. 

Many thanks to Wen-ying and Sharon, the Cupertino Library Adult Services and the Friends of the Cupertino Library for making this happen!

All in all it was a wonderful experience, however, I feel that I must point out one slight deficiency in the proceedings.  Let’s face it, the plates were just too small to hold everything.  If I am going to make a pig of myself, I need a much larger plate so that I can pile it high with portions of everything provided.  At a potluck like this, my eyes are bigger than my stomach so I want to take a bit of this, a bit of that, and oh yes, some of that delicious-looking food over there.

Imagine my consternation when I realize that my plate is already overloaded and there, right in front of me, is the most succulent and tempting dish.  At this point, I then have to quickly do some mental arithmetic as follows:  I gaze longingly at the amount of the desired dish remaining, calculate how many people that might feed based on gender (men take more), estimate how many men and women are behind me in line, and apply the methods of statistical analysis to determine what percentage of those people behind me will actually take some of this dish.  What I am trying to determine is whether I can go to my table and bolt down the food I already have and then rush back for this dish or kiss it goodbye forever.  For a fleeting moment, the little devil inside my head suggests that I write a note by this dish saying something like “Warning:  this dish guaranteed to make you fat.  Also contains everything you are allergic to.”  This would increase the odds that there would be some left over for me.  But of course, that would be unethical.  So you see, the small size of the plates leads to ethical quandaries.  Better to have bigger plates and be free of temptation.  ^-^

I am happy to say, though, that, being a resourceful lad, I was able to be a glutton during Friday’s potluck.  As I say every day, I can always start my diet tomorrow.

Have a great week everyone!

Kevin

2013-1101 Letter - Food Idioms

Hi All –

The question came up in our group as to which greeting is more polite, “Hello” or “Hi.”  The person who asked this question had been told by a teacher that “Hello” shows more respect and therefore, if one of her students encountered her outside the classroom, it would be best to say “Hello.” 

A cursory glance at the beginning of most of my postings reveals that I usually say “Hi All” instead of “Hello All.”  This doesn’t mean that I am disrespecting anybody – well, except for that guy sitting over there in the corner – but merely means that In My Humble Opinion (IMHO), either greeting works. 

From that conundrum we moved on to a moving story replete with food idioms.  This tearjerker told the story of poor Mrs. Havenaught, a young widow still in her salad days with a babe in arms who was sweet-talked into buying a lemon of a used car by a well-seasoned salesperson, Simone Legreedy, who, cool as a cucumber,  used honeyed words to win Mrs. Havenaught over .   Just to look at Simone, you would think that butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth but, in fact, she was a bad apple who was rotten to the core.  She was definitely full of beans and consumers would be wise to take her advice with a grain of salt.

Mrs. Havenaught’s couch potato husband had recently kicked the bucket and left her to bring home the bacon, and, being a good egg but knowing next to nothing about buying a car, she was fruitlessly trying to compare apples and oranges. Well, she decided to put all her eggs in one basket and buy the whole enchilada.  So she pulled out her life savings of $300 and then plunked it down, cash on the barrelhead.  At that point, the deed was done and the fat was in the fire.  She didn’t know it but she had gone from the frying pan into the fire.  Starting the car was as easy as apple pie, so far so good, but then the brakes went south and BAM! she plowed into a Cadillac!

Fortunately, nobody was injured but Mrs. Havenaught had to fork over another two grand to the owner of the Cadillac – this is why you have to have car insurance, kiddies! Then her good friend, Nina, the cream of the crop as far as I’m concerned, came along to talk turkey.  They chewed the fat awhile and then Nina made the problem go away by having the car towed to the garbage dump. 

There’s definitely food for thought in this story.  Just because you acquire a taste for a new car, don’t assume that your salesperson is on the up and up.  Remember, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Take care,

Kevin

Reminder:  If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted in August.  An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com

2013-1025 Letter - Living Life Over

Hi All –

In our Friday session, we discussed the short but intriguing introspective composition by Nadine Stair entitled “If I Had My Life Over.”  In a nutshell, the author showcases the importance of allowing oneself to enjoy life by embracing risk and being less concerned with what other people might think.  Like many of us, she spent too much time worrying about imaginary possibilities, bad things that might occur, and preparing for the worst.  By doing so, she lost out on living life in the moment.  There is a quote that says “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”  And I can vouch for the fact that many of the things I’ve worried most about in my life never came to pass.

So . . . what might you go back and change if you could live your life over?   For myself, I might want to get in on the ground floor at Google so I could be making money hand over fist now instead of being a cash-strapped pensioner living a hand-to-mouth existence and depending on the kindness of strangers.  Or take the case of Marcy and Fredrick who both fervently wish that they could go back and change a certain chapter of their lives.  Not so long ago, they were both young students who met in an English class at the local university.  Immediately smitten with Marcy’s good looks and charming demeanor, Fredrick looked forward each week to class so he could be with her.  She truly lit up his life and, after a few dates, she had him wrapped around her little finger.  So, for awhile, these starry-eyed lovers were quite an item.  Oh, but then the raven-haired Angela joined the class with her long, perfectly coiffed tresses, patrician nose and smoky gaze.  This gaze lingered on Frederick and soon he fell under her spell. This did not go over well with Marcy who told Frederick that his increasing interest in Angela was breaking her heart.  But the damage had already been done and Frederick remained enthralled with Angela.  Finally, Marcy had had enough and she ended the relationship, calling Frederick a heel and a cad.  She called him some other names as well but I won’t relate those here.  After all, children might be reading this.

Now go out and change your life!  Take a risk and be silly!  But don’t blame me if people laugh at you.

Cheers,

Kevin

2013-1018 Letter-Retirement Stress

Hi All –

Recently, the subject of retirement came up with the emphasis on the stress a husband’s retirement can cause in his wife.  Retirement creates a big change in a couple’s relationship as the wife loses much of her autonomy while the husband loses the main source of his self-worth and social respect.  If the husband has been a workaholic for many, many years and has developed few social contacts outside of his workplace and has not engaged in any outside activities such as hobbies, then there is a considerable vacuum in his life when he retires.  This causes a huge stress within him and sometimes he takes this out on his wife, following her around, complaining about things and generally treating her like his personal servant.  This, then, is a great source of stress in his wife. 

The question then arose about the best way to revitalize a marital relationship after retirement.  In many marriages, the husband has been absent from the house for long hours every day so, in a sense, after retirement there are two people in the house who have grown apart and no longer know each other very well.  

In my opinion, a couple planning for retirement should not only include ensuring their future financial well-being but also their emotional well-being.  Communication is key here.  Ideally, the couple can develop an ongoing series of respectful dialogues about this issue.  If possible, before retiring, the husband might try taking a week off from work and, instead of planning a trip somewhere, stay home without any preplanning and see what it is like.  After that time, the couple can talk about their expectations and experiences.  Also, it might be very helpful for the husband to begin a journal, listing the various activities he would like to try when he has the available time.  These might include learning a new language, taking classes in something interesting, writing, hiking, painting, working with his hands, or volunteering in the community. 

Another big issue might be the revamping of the division of labor.  Now that the husband is retiring, how will the household chores be divided?  It would be helpful for the wife to encourage her husband to help in these areas and recognize the necessity of helping him, if necessary, to learn how.   She will need to relinquish some control in these areas.  Conversely, it would be helpful for her to be involved in the household finances.  For instance, they can work together to pay the bills and create a budget.

The basic concept in retirement is making the change from two people, each with their own areas of responsibilities, to working as a team, a partnership of equals, sharing the mutual responsibilities of maintaining a home and nurturing a loving relationship.

Have a great week!

Kevin

2013-1011 Letter/Audio Granddaughter

Hi All –

I can tell you with absolute certainty that it is much easier to deal with a 2-year old when you are in your 30’s than when you are in your 60’s.  The reason I can say this with such conviction is that I have empirical evidence to support that fact, having hosted our granddaughter for six days while her father was working and her mother was visiting family.  When this idea was initially proposed, I felt somewhat concerned.  Not wanting to go through my day with this anxiety weighing down on me, I decided to get it off my chest and broach the subject with Kathleen.  Now it’s been a long time since our boys were as small as Katelyn so I may be a trifle rusty when it comes to childcare; a little rough around the edges if you will.  So I was concerned lest I do something inappropriate like let her play in the street.  I certainly didn’t want my wife jumping down my throat. Fortunately, it all went very smoothly and we reluctantly relinquished our precious granddaughter back to her parents. 

Perhaps you’ve heard the famous snippet of a quote written by Christopher Marlowe concerning Helen of Troy:

“Was this the face that launch’d a thousand ships

And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?”

Now look at THIS face.  

I don’t know about the ships but I’m convinced she could topple a lot of towers, no matter how tall they were.  She has that mischievous twinkle in her eyes. 

Have a great week!

Kevin

Reminder:  If you are unsure about the meaning of the idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech, and Proverbs" posted in August.  An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com