Hi All –
In Friday’s class, the topic of communication arose which I
believe is of universal concern.
We all wish we had better lines of communication with our friends and
family. Sometimes, we might
make an off-the-cuff remark and it
gets taken the wrong way. It might set the other person off and we’re left wondering what happened, as
if having a conversation were some kind of dangerous high-wire act.
When we think of a conversation, it seems quite a simple
thing. If two people are involved,
one talks while the other listens.
Then the roles are reversed.
This process continues until the conversation ends. What could be
easier?
But often after we’ve been in a conversation, we’re left
thinking that the other person really didn’t hear us or that we really didn’t
get a chance to say what was on our minds.
An example might be a wife speaking to her husband:
WIFE: “Joe,
would you PLEASE mow the lawn?!
Our neighbors are beginning to talk.”
HUSBAND: (Changing TV channels) “Huh? Oh yeah. Pretty soon.”
Another example would be your teenaged daughter coming home
from school:
DAUGHTER: (slams front door and starts yelling) “M-o-o-o-ommm!!!”
MOTHER: (in
next room) “You don’t have to yell!
I’m right here!”
(The mother’s cell phone beeps as a text comes in)
DAUGHTER: “Celia said I was ugly in front of her
friends. I hate her and her stupid
friends!! “
MOTHER: (Distractedly checking her cell phone) “Uh huh. Well, you have other friends.”
(Daughter stomps off to her bedroom and slams that door as
well. )
To gin up your communication
skills, it is important to learn how to listen actively. Active listening is a way of responding
to another person in a way that promotes mutual understanding. Active listening techniques include
four types of statements:
ENCOURAGING –
This conveys interest and keeps the other person talking. Don’t agree or disagree. Use
noncommittal words with a positive tone of voice. Examples are “I see . . .”, “That’s interesting. . .”
RESTATING – This
shows that you are listening and understanding. To do this, just restate the other’s basic ideas,
emphasizing the facts. Example:
“If I understand you correctly, your idea is . . .”, “In other words, this is your decision . . .”
REFLECTING – This
shows the other that you understand their feelings. To do this, restate the other’s basic feelings. Example: “You feel that . . .”, “You were pretty disturbed by this .
. .”
SUMMARIZING –
This pulls together important ideas and facts. It also establishes a basis for further discussion. To do this, restate, reflect and
summarize major ideas and feelings.
Example: “These seem to be
the key ideas you have expressed . . .”
“If I understand you, you feel this way about the situation. . .”
Now let’s look at two conversations:
The first family, the Browns, are struggling with their
communication. Their
fifteen-year-old son, Brendan, plays sports, achieves a “B” grade average, has
a group of friends with whom he associates, and is generally well liked by his
teachers.
Scene: Dinner time
at the table.
Brendan: “School is for the birds. All you learn is a lot of unimportant
facts that don’t do you any good.
I’ve decided not to go to college.
You don’t need a college education to be someone important. There are a lot of other ways to get
ahead in the world.”
Father: “People who
give up when things get difficult usually don’t succeed in life.”
Brendan: “How much
do you need to know about the War of 1812 to be an architect?”
Mother: “You should
listen to your father. He didn’t
get where he is today by shirking responsibility.”
Brendan: “You don’t
understand and you never will.”
Father: “I don’t
ever want to hear you talk to your mother like that again. Get
your act together and maybe you’d be a better student. Your problem is that you never apply
yourself. That’s why you don't get
better grades. You just expect to
get something without effort.
That’s what your mother and I get for giving so much to you your whole
life.”
The family finishes dinner in silence.
LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN:
The second family, the Smiths, are a good example of a
family with open and warm communication.
Their fifteen-year-old son, Brian, plays sports, achieves a “B” grade
average, has a group of friends with whom he associates, and is generally well
liked by his teachers.
Scene: Dinner time
at the table.
Brian: “School is for the birds. All you learn is a lot of unimportant
facts that don’t do you any good.
I’ve decided not to go to college.
You don’t need a college education to be someone important. There are a lot of other ways to get
ahead in the world.”
Father: “You sound
really frustrated with school.”
Brian: “Yeah. I don’t see how learning about the War
of 1812 will help me be an architect.”
Mother: “You know, I
remember feeling the same way about Biology. I hated dissecting frogs and I didn’t like the teacher.”
Brian: “Well, you
know my teacher is so boring, he just talks the whole period and expects us to
remember every word.”
Mother: “Sounds like
you’re irritated with him.”
Brian: “Sure, he
gave me a “C” on a pop quiz and he never told anyone he would ask questions
about his lecture.”
Father: “You don’t
feel you deserve that grade.”
Brian: “Well, I
missed half the questions and that’s a “C”, but I’m just mad that he didn’t
tell us about questions coming from the lecture. It isn’t fair.”
Mother: “Well, it
sounds to me like you have a problem with your teacher. You don’t feel he gave you good enough
instructions on what to study for the quiz.”
Brian: “That’s about
right.”
Father: “Do you feel
like you need to get this straight
with him?”
Brian: “What’s the
use? Now I know what he
wants. I can get a good grade now
that I know what he expects. I
just don’t like him very much.”
The family goes on to talk about their weekend plans.
Have a great week everyone!
Kevin
Reminder: If you are unsure about the meaning of the
idioms used in this message, please refer to "Idioms, Figures of Speech,
and Proverbs" posted in August. An alternative is to look at http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com
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